Personal
by chinesepapercut
Summary: Events on the Santos campaign trail cause Donna to reflect on her relationship with Josh.
1. Chapter 1

Listening to the last West Wing Weekly for the Al Smith Dinner episode made me think about how things could have progressed for Donna between her failed interview with Josh during the Ticket and when Lou hired her to do Midwest press. So, I wrote this little short story to get us/her from one place to another. Note: This Donna and Josh are not the same Donna and Josh from my other story, which is planned to end shortly. Although, in writing this I'm showing how I'm dragging my feet on finishing in the Shadow of You. Anyway…back to this shorty.

* * *

**Santos campaign. Josh's office, DC Headquarters during the Ticket.**

"Nice headline in the Post today. That's got to feel good." I try for a complimentary opening that also shows I've been following the news. He shows me into his office, which is … sparse. I can actually see the surface of his desk.

I'm encouraged when he asks about Will. We make small talk for a few minutes which is good, he's not yelling at me, we're talking civilly. I know Josh well enough to know that he wouldn't be talking to me this way if he'd written me off entirely, and yet I am searching for it under his words. Some sign that I've hurt him. Or maybe that he still trusts me enough to show me that I've hurt him. He reclines and put his feet up on his desk like old times then inquires if I'm going back to a position in the VP's office and it's just enough for me to convince myself that he's truly interested in my well-being and not harboring any sort of long-term resentment. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

On one hand I'm disappointed that he didn't feel as deeply about the ending of our relationship as I thought he did, on the other I'm relieved. If anyone had told me I'd be in this position only a few months after I left the White House; feeling this awkward around the person with whom I used to feel the most comfortable I'd have laughed. At the time I left the White House I was in a bad place. I was so jaded, so cynical. Cleaving myself from Josh felt like the right thing to do. It still feels like it was the right thing to do. I still blame Josh for creating the conditions that made me want to leave, though hindsight allows me to see it was so much more complicated than that and the sense of loss I've felt over the past few months has been all consuming. In fact, it has me deluded into wanting to try again.

"Vice President's office? I'm glad you brought that up," I say, clapping my hands together so they don't shake. "I'm proud to say I've grown a lot in the last few months. The Russell Campaign gave me some wonderful opportunities. I took an active role in drafting policy positions and eventually was promoted to the role of Campaign Spokesperson."

"Donna…" When he says my name in that tone, I know he's annoyed, I am wasting his time. I know what he's saying before he says it. He doesn't have to tell me no outright, but I have to keep trying. I don't ever want to go back to being the person I was, and asking Josh for a job is dangerously close to that, but my bank account is telling me I need a job and my heart is telling me I need to repair my relationship with Josh. If I want to do that, I'll have to prove myself to him again and the best way to do that is to work for him.

"I can't do this," he says, but he looks down as he says it. He can't look me in the eye when he tells me no.

Then he drops his feet to the floor, reaches into his desk and pulls out a file folder. I see his face change as he begins reading. It's like he has to summon his anger with me to take his next action. I feel like a child again, watching my father's face harden with anger as he says my behavior caused him to have to spank me.

"Matthew Santos is throwing a ton of numbers at you hoping you'll be so confused as to miss the fact that his education plan is both impractical and unaffordable. He was a House member, you'd think behavior like that would annoy him." Donna Moss, Spokesperson, Russell for President Campaign."

His words are quick, as if he has the statements memorized and is only just holding the paper to make it appear he's reading. Suddenly I realize just how naïve it was of me to think he wouldn't have taken any negative statements I had made about his candidate personally. Hell, it was once my job to watch and transcribe press statements about President Bartlet, so it's no surprise to me that Josh would have had a staffer assigned to me, and any other spokespeople, writing down each little negative swipe we made so he could strategize about how to respond. That he wouldn't have catalogued and obsessed about them, which he's clearly done since it took him less than a half a second's recall to find that file folder with my comments in a desk that in the White House he couldn't find ANYTHING on, now tells me there's more there than the smooth façade he had earlier.

His expression softened as he was reading and for a second after he finishes he looks arrogant, that expression that used to make me weak in the knees, now it just makes me mad. "I was just doing my job, Josh." My tone comes out pleading.

"Yeah but I won," he says it with finality. I'm confused. His words are gloating, but it looks like it hurts him to tell me he won. Then his mask drops and he just looks sad and alone.

"I've got an airplane hangar full of 500 people looking at me for direction. I've got a candidate who doesn't trust them and frankly I don't either and if you think I don't miss you every day…"

I hate him for this. I hate him for saying the words. I hate him for the way he looks like he's about to cry because I know it's the one thing he'd never do as a manipulation tactic. I hate that the official end of our relationship looks like this. If he'd truly wanted me with him then why didn't he make an effort. Any effort, before this. Before it got to the point of no return.

"I can make a couple of calls," he says. He still looks upset but his words come out as if he's talking to an old friend about getting an internship for their college age child. As if there isn't this whole messy history between us.

I hold up my hand to stop him. It takes everything I have in me to keep it together as I thank him and leave quickly before I start crying and make a scene.

I make it back to my car breathing heavily, vision blurry with tears. I fumble unlocking the door but get the drivers seat just before I put my head down on my steering wheel and let wracking sobs take over my body. This is it. This is how the relationship I had with the love of my life will end. I try to summon the bitterness that caused me to leave Josh the first time. Because, let's face it, I will tell you that I just left my job, but really I left Josh. If I can get the feeling of anger and bitterness back this will hurt less, but I find those emotions unavailable as if they've been played out.

It starts raining as I'm trying to compose myself enough to drive, I find it's a fitting compliment to my mood. I didn't have the finances to continue leasing my apartment when I was campaigning, but when I sublet my apartment I retained use of the basement storage, so as soon as it's safe to drive, I make my way there slowly.

Out of palatable job prospects and clearly in need of a break, I pack my car with some of my clothes and a few personal items then I compose myself to make one last stop.

CJ's in the Sit Room when I get to the White House so I leave a note for her with Margaret, which also feels like the way it's meant to be. It's probably the end of my relationship with CJ, too. The communication ball's in her court, and with how busy she is I'll probably never hear back from her. As I walk out, I'm left with a sinking feeling that I never really belonged like I thought I did. The walls even feel foreign to me as I exit through the lobby and I'm left in awe that a place that once felt like it held so much promise for me now leaves me feeling so empty and sad.

I only call my parents to tell them I'm coming home after several cups of coffee and several hours on the road. They sound relieved to hear from me and, as always, assure me they're happy to have me home.


	2. Chapter 2

**Santos campaign. Bedroom off the staff room during the Al Smith Dinner.**

When Lou called me a few weeks later to offer me a job doing media in the Midwest corridor I was a little shocked. By this point I wasn't actively courting a job with the Santos campaign. I also wasn't surprised that Josh would have been tracking me and knew I had gone home to take a break from Washington and clear my head. The call from Lou came at just the right moment, too. After three weeks at home not doing much of anything except trying to hide the fact that I was nursing a long breaking heart (both because of my failed relationship with Josh and my failed love affair with the White House), I was beginning to remember why I'd left home in the first place.

One night around 6 p.m. the shrill, unexpected ringing of cell phone interrupted me as I struggled to help my mother by making our family dinner of overcooked chicken, potatoes and canned vegetables. Green beans really shouldn't explode all over the kitchen like that. Suzie homemaker I am not.

Lou clearly had my resume already, and as I talked with her – and talking is really what it was, it wasn't an interview, she was already aware of my work history and pretty eager to hire me - I remember thinking that I honestly thought Josh was more vindictive than this. Even in his peak points of desperation I couldn't recall him shutting someone down like he shut me down to turn around a few weeks later and beg me back, but I convinced myself that that's what was happening - at least on some level.

But, I also knew the sway women have on him. I was there when Amy used her position at NOW to try to tank one of his bills and then I watched not long after as he flirted right back into her bed. I think just a little bit of my ego convinced me that my history with him was driving it. Maybe he was still feeling guilty about not taking me back after the convention and now that the dust had settled this was his idea of a second chance.

So, what was there left to do but say yes and throw myself into my work? Since I was assigned to the Midwest, I could make Madison my home base, which gave my parents a rare opportunity to really see me in action, and I was doing good work. It was a far cry from working with the big campaign machine I was used to, but it was honest work and in only a week's time I had our local office ship shape and my local media strategy was even starting to bleed into Illinois where it was clear Josh had been avoiding spending precious ad dollars.

When Lou's deputy Otto called me to prepare me to make a statement on the abortion attack ad by the Committee for the Integrity of Human Life I was excited for the opportunity. This would be my opportunity to show Josh that I could be valuable on his team even if initially I'd been on the other side of the court. Plus, I was excited to be talking about something I believed in. Even if I've never had an abortion, the idea that a shriveled old white man who has no medical training could tell me what to do with my body is something I'd love to shout from the rooftops about. Although Otto's statement lacked the passion I would have added, it does the job and about and hour later, Lou called and told me to get on a plane to come meet with her in person.

At head quarters I find that I don't recognize anyone except Lou and Otto which I guess isn't that surprising. If Josh had been specifically avoiding hiring anyone who had worked on any of the competing campaigns, I'm not likely to see any of my former Russell campaign coworkers. Still, I thought it was odd that no one except Lou seemed to know that I used to work for Josh. Even the congressman asked me about my history as if he had no idea who I was prior to being "the chicken fighter." If Josh had made the call to hire me wouldn't he have explained our work history and why he wanted me even though I had a reputation as being Russell's chicken fighter? And, if not, wouldn't he even have just mentioned me?

After my whirlwind of introductions Lou shows me to a bedroom off the office and closes the door. I'm not left long to question why there is a bedroom off the staff room, but I have so many questions.

Suddenly the door opens again and Josh and Lou walk in. Josh is obviously surprised to see me. Awkward doesn't begin to describe it.

"I don't know what the problem is between you two," Lou declares, "but she's great on television and I don't care if she worked for Francisco Franco in the primary, right now it's all hands on deck. So work it out."

She hands Josh a folder and leaves abruptly closing the door behind her.

Me and Josh. Alone in a bedroom. Well if this isn't a triggering situation.

Now I'm really questioning why there is a bedroom in the office off the staff room and why she chose this as the place for me and Josh to work out our differences. What does she know about our relationship and really does she think that a bedroom off the staff office could be the best place to work something like that out… in THAT manner.

These thoughts don't seem to occur to Josh who actually pretends to go through the motions of interviewing me.

"References if we want to pursue this?" He says, his voice trying to sound annoyed and disinterested.

It's a crazy experience. I've worked for the man for years but he never interviewed me. I can't keep the sarcasm out of my voice as I answer his questions. He knows he needs me but he's determined to make my life hell in the meantime. It's good to see we've grown up and past our differences.

Then he drops it on me. "Did he tell you campaigns require loyalty; you don't go working for the other guy?"

Loyalty. So that's what it boils down to. It's not about anything more than loyalty?

Now I'm yelling. It's not the cathartic kind of yelling, though. I'm keeping my voice down and doing my best to keep it professional, though I do let a jab about Josh's hamburgers go.

We only have about 60 seconds to go at each other before Lou interrupts us and thank God she does because it was about to get ugly. The Donna of old would be questioning my place, but Lou's just made it even more clear that they need me and, regardless if Josh wants to hire me, Lou already has and is tasking me with my next assignment. Josh will just have to get over it.

The rose-colored glasses I've been wearing for the past few months have finally cleared and I feel the bitterness creep back into my veins a little bit. But I want to get a democrat elected this year so what is there to do but go to work. This is politics, baby, and my mentor has taught me that it's always a little personal.

* * *

Do I stop there? Do I keep going? I don't know. You tell me.


	3. Chapter 3

Ok, I guess I didn't think it was over either. There is so much of the campaign we don't see that I'd like to see. Like, how did Donna find out everyone else on the campaign staff was sleeping together? And how did Josh know that Donna was subletting her apartment? Tell me about season 7 for you, was there anything that made you go, hmm, wonder how that happened?

* * *

SANTOS-McGARRY CAMPAIGN, THE WESTIN, PHILADELPHIA, PA

"He should look at a map, do the electoral math. This race is tighter than you think."

I can't help but frown a little as I leave the gaggle of reporters in the room the hotel has set up for the press. I love dealing with reporters on a more national stage than I ever have before, but if I'm being honest, I'm tired of talking about the electoral map. On the exterior I have to look cool and stress free, like I completely believe everything I'm saying, except I'm starting to have doubts. Not that Santos is the right man for the job, but about how all the math shakes out.

And clearly I'm not the only one. Everyone I talk to on the campaign staff is spinning rumors about our strategy and what Josh is or isn't thinking. Every time one of them runs some crazy theory by me I'm reminded how they have no idea about where I stand on this campaign. Most especially where I stand with Josh. Not that I really understand it myself. It took about three weeks and the fact that the Congressman and Mrs. Santos seem to like me to convince Josh I'm worth talking to again. Plus, after I weathered the Burke shooting with the team, Lou argued that she needed me too much to send me back to doing Midwest press. I'm not sure if Josh yelled about that decision or not, but alas, here I still am.

As a latecomer to the Santos campaign, I haven't found my place yet. By the time I arrived, everyone had already gotten to know each other, become friends, and gained alliances based on their experience level and role. When I joined it quickly became apparent that I was in a category of my own. I'm more experienced but less trusted than Bram, Ronna and Otto, but yet not on the inner circle with Josh and Lou where the decisions are made. Not a true believer, but with previous campaign experience on both Bartlet campaigns and the Russell campaign, useful if not totally trustworthy. My hybrid status means I have more access and impact with Josh and Lou and people are beginning to sense this. I've been on the receiving end of several questions from more junior staffers about what I think about various topics related to the campaign. They're hungry for information, development and insight into the decisions being made – things they're not getting from Josh. They may have worked on the campaign longer than me, but they certainly sense I know what Josh is thinking better than they do. I also think it's because I'm one of the only people on this campaign not scared of Josh. If he yells, I know how to handle it. Everyone else just cowers or runs.

This means I'm the one that needs to tell Josh the rest of the team is getting antsy. That they need a message from their leadership team. They need direction. Clearly no one else feels comfortable talking to him like that.

As to what Josh is thinking, well I'm concerned about that. He's got about a million things coming at him and I'm afraid he's reaching critical mass. He needs to delegate more, but his distrust of everyone on the campaign staff persists. I'm definitely not in his good graces yet, but my media strategy and sound bites depend on decisions and direction from him so at least he answers my calls and listens to me.

"Did you get the photo op with the Governor?" he asks as soon as I end my call with Edie.

"Santos, Baker, and a cheese-steak."

Josh doesn't need to micromanage the Congressman's choice of sandwich and he knows it, but I entertain the conversation it as an in to talk to him.

"You guys have been behind closed doors since we got to Philly," I say, trying to sound like it's me who is concerned.

"Killer game of Boggle." Josh answers. He's trying to banter, but I can tell he's distracted. It's good to see a glimmer of the banter back, even though it doesn't give me the charge it once did.

"Since we got to Philly."

"Donna…"

"There's a rumor we're pulling out of Arizona." I'm not sure if it's my place to alert him to information I'm getting from the news media circus that follows us, but it was the role I played with Will on the Russell campaign so I've been trying it out a little on Josh.

"Okay, I need you to kill that rumor."

"Is it because we're moving money into Illinois?" I don't distrust Josh's decisions about where to put campaign funds, but I press him like this because I know he needs to hear it. Over the years he's had to justify many of his stances to me, I don't often convince him otherwise, but I do prepare him to make a better argument – he's admitted as much to me on a few rare occasions – and I feel there's a big argument brewing on this one.

The words no more than come out of my mouth before Lou bursts in with the new state by state polls which say the same thing I was about to say. I watch as Josh and the whirlwind that surround him spin off to tackle decisions he doesn't trust me to help him make, besides, I have marching orders in hand. I dial Howard in advance to tell him about the directive to get a hoagie instead of a cheese-steak.

As I wait for the phone line to engage it comes to me: lonely. If I have to put my finger on it, I'm lonely. How can I be so busy, surrounded by so many people and still be so lonely? I used to think my job could fill the space in my heart. During the primaries, working for Russell, I was lonely too. But it was a different kind of lonely, like a badge of honor, like a badge of experience. Will was equally lonely. We were the only two adults on a campaign full of eager young people. Being lonely felt like the adult thing to do.

It also helped that my career choices felt justified at that point. I was making progress in my career, setting out on my own. Now that it's clear I was working for the wrong campaign, it's left me doubting myself. Despite what I told Josh after the convention, sometimes I still have doubts about my ability. Yes, I backed the wrong candidate, that much is clear. But did my work contribute to his loss? I know I am more than an assistant, but am I cut out for being the lead spokesperson for the democratic candidate in a national campaign? If I had done better could Russell have won the nomination? Become president? If Santos had been a choice from the beginning would I have known to choose him like Josh did? It's enough self-doubt to make my head hurt.

At least my lunch with Lou today - the closest thing one has to a formal performance review on the campaign trail – gives me someone to talk to as I pick at my salad.

"You're doing a fantastic job, Donna, but I need you stepping up more, asserting yourself. You have great ideas, but the congressman needs to hear them. Don't be so deferential to me and Josh," she says to me through ravenous bites of French fries and a hamburger so greasy, it is actually dripping. I watch her wash it all down with a beer and a burp. French fries almost always sound good to me, I have been counting calories since I often find myself on national television these days, but I find I have no interest in stealing any of Lou's fries.

After we talk shop for a few minutes, I try for small talk by asking how she doesn't gain weight eating that way. For a small person it's an awful lot of fat and she's awfully fit.

Lou smiles, "Lots of exercise."

I laugh, "Who has time for the treadmill?"

"I'm not talking about the treadmill. Don't you get enough walking from going back and forth between the pressroom and the war room already? Find yourself a tasty one from advance and have lots of enthusiastic, aerobic sex. Or sleep with Josh, he could use some stress relief. That's why I keep Otto around."

Her comment makes me choke on my iced tea.

"Oh, don't be a prude," she says as I'm coughing. "You're a woman in your prime. Go get yourself some. It's great for your blood pressure. Especially if you're going to be under pressure like this."

"I am not really a sex for stress relief girl," I tell her after I regain the ability to breathe.

"Yeah, well Edie wasn't either, but look at her now."

This reframes the argument I watched Edie and Lester have last week. It wasn't an argument; it was a lover's quarrel. Passionate, idealistic, raw. Not unlike arguments I used to have with Josh. They must be having fantastic sex.

I can't remember the last time I had sex. That's not true. I can, but I would like to forget it. It is true that I can't remember the last time I had fantastic sex. You thought I was going to say Colin. Colin was certainly good in bed. Suave, perceptive, but not fantastic. Intercourse with Colin lacked passion. Maybe because I wasn't in love with him. It's difficult to really get into it when all you can think is how his hand doesn't feel like Josh's hand as it creeps up the small of your back to push up your shirt.

Yes, that's right, Josh, the man, the myth, the legend, and also the one who remains my Achilles heel in more ways than one. Even though we have been apart or barely speaking for months, I find I still know when he enters a room. I tell myself I am just perceptive, that I notice when people start to scurry and others duck and cover, but they do that for Lou, too, and I don't notice when she enters a room until I hear her voice. Josh, on the other hand, I can hear the way his gait is different than others, and I sense his being next to me as if we're doing an intricate dance.

After lunch, which was a late one to begin with, it's a quick dash to the hotel to get dressed before Ellie Bartlet's wedding. Honestly I'm surprised I'm invited. It's not that I left the White House on bad terms, but I definitely thought I wouldn't be back. I barely have the dress pulled up over my hips when I'm interrupted by my phone.

"Yes, Josh, what now?" I ask, balancing the phone between my shoulder and ear as I reach behind myself to finish zipping up my dress.

"Where are you?"

"At the hotel, getting dressed, I'll be at the White House in about a half hour."

"Oh, I, uh, the car just came, I thought you'd be here and would ride with me. Wait, why are you at a hotel and not your apartment?" He asks, then I hear him tell what sounds like a driver that he's ready to go.

"Because I sublet my apartment to a very nervous woman from Treasury when I left for the Russell campaign." I tell him as I put my earrings in and reach for my clutch.

"Nervous like how?"

"I don't know, always looking over her shoulder, shaky kind of."

"Well why'd you do that?"

I sigh. "Because deep down I guess I wasn't sure Russell would win and my roommate was moving out and although I got a little bump in salary when I started working for Russell, it barely covers the cost of living in D.C. and an assistant's salary doesn't put much savings in the bank. Why do you think I was always on you for a raise?"

"Oh, shit, I wish you'd told me…"

"And what would you have done?"

"Oh, that's right, I….almost forgot, you left my by that point."

"Don't make it personal, Josh."

"I'm not, I'm not."

"I'll see you at the wedding." I say before I end the call.


End file.
